Persona 4 Abridged Episode 7 Script

The following is the script for the seventh episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
Igor: Margaret? What happened last night?

Margaret: you went to the store.

Igor: Did I make it?

Margaret: I found you out cold next to the car door.

Igor: Did I… did I at least get the goods?

Margaret: No. You were lying there for five hours.

Igor: Awwww MAAAAN!

Kanji: EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES!

Shadow Kanij: One two there Hyuh!

Baby!

Sassy! Studly! Whoa! Check my pecks! Huh hyuh ha!

Man I’m pretty!

Do the monkey with me! Come on!

Hey there baby!

Yeah whatever.

(Johnny Bravo theme)

(Cuts to Yu watching silently)

Nanako: Big bro! Can you turn that down?

(Yu’s phone rings)

Yosuke: Sorry I didn’t make it in time to watch the midnight channel. Can you tell me what happened?

Yu: No. I can show you.

(Zooms in on VCR)

Chie: Your son’s missing.

Kanji’s mom: Nooo! I hadn’t noticed!

Yukiko: Can you tell us anything about him?

Kanji’s mom: You already know too much.

Yu: Hey. Kid. Can I ask you something?

Kid: Don’t hurt me please!

Yu: Don’t worry. I just want to ask you about Kanji Tatsumi. And take your lunch money.

Kid: Well it all started when…

Kanji: My love for you is like a truck.

Kid: Then he just kept saying Berserker until I walked away.

Yosuke: What an inspiration…

Yu: Now pay up.

Adachi: (Eating sound) Huh. Y'know, as a cop I should help. But these groceries won't move themselves.

(Cut to Junes)

Yosuke: Whoa, we do know too much.

Naoto: Hmmm…

Yosuke: What are you doing here?

Yukiko: (under her breath) It’s a fucking mall.

Naoto: I was investigating this… wall here. Not talking yet, but I bet I can crack him.

Yosuke: So what can you tell us about Kanji?

Naoto: Well... He's got some issues.

Yu: We kinda figured that out on our own.

Naoto: Then we're on the same page. That's where this wall comes in (whispers) I know you're hiding something.

Yosuke: Well thanks for the help.....

Naoto: Naoto.

Yosuke: Hat-man! We’ve got a show to catch!

(TV World)

Yosuke: What did you do with Kanji!?

Teddie: Don’t kill me please I don’t know anything!

Yosuke: Your answer will deiced you fate.

Yu: Here, smell this. It's Kanji's.

Teddie: sniff sniff sniff sniff

Teddie: Gross.

Yu: Find anything?

CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE

Teddie: Uh no? Of course not.

Yukiko: Aren't bears supposed to have a strong sense of smell?

Teddie: Ever made a bear track someone before?

Yosuke: Once. And it LET ME DOWN. THEY WALK AWAY

Yosuke: That’s right. Lookin’ at you.

Yu: ...His shadow was in a bath towel. Let's try there.

Teddie: What’s that say? I can’t read but I got a good feeling about this place.

Yu: “Beefcake bathhouse. No girls.”

Yukiko: Are you sure this is where he is?

Teddie: If he’s not, someone one is.

Chie: “bath…house… no… girls…” (she’s reading it to herself) There’s beef in there? I NEED IT!

Yosuke: What did I do!?

Yosuke: It’s too hot! We should split up and search for the exit.

Chie: Are you insane? This is a ONCE in a life time opportunity!

Yosuke: To save a life?

Chie: Yeah sure whatever.

(Shadow Kanji stretching)

Shadow Kanji: Whoa hey little momma! Didn't you read the sign?

Chie: Yeah, and I want that beefcake!

Shadow Kanji: You naaaasty eskapé la femme

Chie: Call me what you will, (under her breath) but I will have that beefcake if it's the last thing I do.

Yukiko: Uhhh Chie?

(Fire sound)

Yosuke: AH! I told you it was hot! But you didn’t listen! NOW I’m on fire! Thanks a lot!

Chie: We have to find Kanji before he gets away!

Yukiko: Dude Yosuke’s on fire.

Chie: It’s a risk we have to take.

Kanji: (Deep breath) Ahhh! Ahhhh! (Calling sounds)

Shadow Kanji: So…

Kanji: Hah?

Shadow Kanji: We finally meet! Face to- one second… Face.

Kanji: (Gasp!) I knew this day would come. My mom always said I’d face my half-naked self in a sauna, or maybe that was you just now.

Shadow Kanji: I haven’t said anything ye--

Kanji: BUT I’VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS FOR YEARS!

(Seconds of silence) Yu: So are we just gonna stand here, or…

Yosuke: I’m not knocking.

Chie: Well I’m going in there! Who’s with me!?

(pause)

Teddie: I’m with you. (Quietly)

(Door opens)

Yu/Yukiko/Yosuke/Teddie: Gasp.

Chie: Alright where are you hiding the beefcake?

Kanji: WOAH! Knock next time.

(Shadow Kanji breaks free)

Shadow Kanji: Looks like you’re all in a… sticky situation!

(pause)

Yukiko: I don’t get it.

(Water stuff)

Chie: woahaha ugh!

Yukiko: Ahh!

(Falls down)

Yu: Watch your step.

Chie: Wow thanks, asshole.

Shadow Kanji: That girl ain’t gettin’ none of that beefcake, am I right or am I right?

Kanji: Beefcake is right cuz you ugly as a cow. Haaaa shots fired.

Shadow Kanji: You realize I’m literally you, right?

Kanji: You’re me? Well! If you’re me, then answer me this! Square dancing champion! 2005! Go!

Shadow Kanji: Uhh…

Kanji: See you can’t do it!

Shadow Kanji: Well uhh.

(Turns to shadow)

Shadow Kanji: How about now?

Kanji: Beaten at my own game BUT THAT’S JUST ONE OUT OF THREE! On to question number 2! Who are those guys?

Shadow: I dunno.

Yu: Should we fight them?

Yosuke: I think Kanji’s doing good so far…. ugh fine.

Yukiko/Chie/Yosuke/Yu: Persona!

(Thing 1/Thing 2 grab Yosuke and Yu's personas. Yosuke and Yu fall over.)

Shadow Kanji: Oh I guess they're helping that's cool.

Shadow Kanji: As for you…

Shadow Kanji: How about this beefcake gives you a beefkick?

Yu: No, I'll protect you I guess! (in like a really apathetic tone)

Yu: Wow that was a bad idea! Ow. (as he falls over and is being shocked)

Kanji: Hey, is that my keychain?

Yu: (internally) Man, we’re sitting ducks like this...

Igor: Did someone say sitting, 'cause I know sitting!

Margaret: Sounds about right.

Yu: I--

Igor: Yes, you. You have the power to fuse personas!

Margaret: That's right. Igor usually says you have to visit the Velvet Room to do that, but that's just because he's lonely.

Igor: Narukami, don't you listen to her! ...Please? Hey! Hello? Aaaand he's ignoring me.

Yosuke: Wait so Yu basically has like 50 personas? What the crap?

Shadow Kanji: Great those were my only friends kind of. Now I'm gonna-- be frozen solid okay whatever.

Yu: And now you know why you're stuck with Jiraya.

Yosuke: Maaaan! (in the background)

Kanji: Hey. Hey!

Yu: Oh. What?

Kanji: I made that keychain myself.

Yu: Yes. And I stole it. You see it was all part of my eighteen step plan to defeat your shadow self. Now all we need to do is where are you going?

Yosuke: Told you he had it covered. But noooo one listens to Yosuke. Not eeeven when he’s on fire.

Chie: Where’s the beef?

Shadow Kanji: QUESTION THREE!

Kanji: Huh?

Shadow Kanji: SURPRISE ATTACK!

Kanji: That wasn’t a question.

Shadow Kanji: Shit! You’re right. Forgive meeeeeeee

Kanji: Yeah okay sure but uhhh question four? Why are you a robot?

Yukiko: If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna go forget all of this now.

Chie: Me too. If a sign says beefcake, I expect some god damn beefcake!

Yosuke: Man, Kanji. This keychain's a little gay.

Kanji: Why do you think I made it?

Yosuke: (under his breath) Why did y… Ohhh!!!!!

Yu: So are you gonna help us find the murderer?

Kanji: Murderer? Dude, I bombed midterms so hard. I’ve gotta study!

Yukiko: He’s got a good point.

Yu: Oh I’m sorry. Did you guys WANNA stay inside the TV world?

Kanji: Eh, seen one sauna, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Chie: Guys, I googled “beefcake” and I feel reeeeaaaally embarrassed.

Yu: So then Kanji was like "Okay you talked me into it." I bet we can solve this murder case faster than you guys can.

Dojima: Huh? You say something?

Yu: Yeah. Have been for the past 30 minutes.

Dojima: Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about how my own family could forget my birthday.

Nanako: HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY....

Dojima: Nice try it was a month ago.