Persona 4 Abridged Episode 8 Script

The following is the script for the eighth episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
Margaret: If you’re looking for the NOSE, he’s not here right now. Sent that asshole straight to rehab.

Margaret: That means that I can play with the cards myself for once.

Margaret: So, the Emperor card here means that--

(the emperor card shatters)

Margaret: Don’t think that was supposed to happen.

Margaret: Eh, you get what you pay for.

Naoki: EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES

Chie: AHHH!!!

Yukiko: What, is it too hot?

Chie: Yeah, but I like a challenge.

Yosuke: Whoa whoa whoa, Chie! Gotta save up your appetite for………….. the camping trip!

(pause)

Yu: Isn’t that in like two days?

(transition)

Yosuke: So! What do you guys wanna eat at the camping trip?

Yu: I dunno, maybe sushi?

Yukiko: I think I’d like a giant melon.

Yu: I think that’s stupid.

Chie: I haven’t eaten for two days……..

Yosuke: Then we’re all agreed! Curry, it is!

(cut)

Yukiko: [zombie-esque drooling sounds]

Yu: So, what are we supposed to do at the camping trip?

Chie: There’s LOTS to do! We can cook s’mores, sleep on the floor, eat wild animals…

Yosuke: I don’t think the teacher’s gonna like that.

Chie: Then I’ll eat him too!

Yukiko: These melons aren’t quite big enough, but I’ll manage.

Chie: I bet you ten bucks I can juggle them!

Yukiko: I was gonna throw them at people and watch them cry.

Yosuke: (thinking) Those onions are shitty-ass melons.

Yosuke: EVERYONE, STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND GET ON THE GROUND! I gotta go buy some SWIMSUITS! (as he’s walking away) Gonna show off my rockin’ gams.

Chie: First one to blink loses.

(transition)

Yosuke: Where are the other two? I told you not to move!

Yu: (thinking after he blinks) Shit, I fucked up!

Yu: I lost…

Yosuke: Oh, they’re over there. Tell them to get out of my store when they’re done. Bye!

(transition)

(aggressive music playing in the background)

Nanako: W’sup, ho!

Yu: I uh… brought… I brought Junes.

Nanako: I love Junes! Sometimes I lie down in the produce aisle and cry because I miss mom.

Yu: You can just do that at… home, can’t you?

Nanako: Dad says I can’t think about Mom at home because thinking about her won’t bring her back, and I should just move on. Then he cries too.

Dojima: Bananako!

Nanako: Huh?

Dojima: You’re grounded. (sniff) (crying sounds and sounds of him running upstairs)

(yu does the hand thing)

Nanako: Is that a magic trick?

(long pause and then he does thing and then there’s another pause)

Nanako: Alright…

(transition)

Yosuke: ahhh………

Yukiko: So how’s the melon curry?

Yosuke: Cuuuurrrrsseeeed…………

Yu: Wait, is that food… evil?

Chie: Well I told you I made a WICKED curry!

(pause with a cough in the background)

Yukiko: Gave Chie free reign on this one. (pause) Enjoy.

Yu: Were you trying to kill him?

Yukiko: (creepily with emphasis on each word) Your turn to taste.

Yu: I had a good life… Nah, who am I kiddin’? It sucked.

(transition)

Yosuke: What’d you PUT in this? It tasted like pure, concentrated evil!

Yukiko: Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that.

(transition)

Chie: So, are you thinkin’ lamb’s blood or blood of virgins?

Yukiko: You can do whatever. I’ll just make the rice.

Chie: So I can do… anything?

Yukiko: Well I mean… just try not to kill anybody.

Chie: Try…

Yukiko: Mhm…

Chie: Okay, we need some snips… snails… puppydog tails? I saw some monkey on TV do it once. His brain was huge, so he must’ve been pretty smart!

Yukiko: (sigh) That was a cartoon… I’m not gonna eat this.

(transition)

Chie: It’s the thought that counts?

Yukiko: Chie, you’re banned from thinking.

Chie: Done and done!

(pause)

Yukiko: Uh, Chie?

(pause)

Yosuke: And the WORST part is, now we have all this FOOD that we can’t EAT!

Hanako: vacuum sounds

(transition)

Student 1: Did you hear that Naoki doesn’t have to do his homework?

Student 2: Wow! I wish MY sister would die!

Naoki: Um, can I help you?

Student 1: Well if it isn’t the privileged kid!

Naoki: Um…

Student 2: Yeah, come to BRAG about your DEAD SISTER again?

Naoki: But I di—

Student 3: Let’s GO before OUR sisters die TOO.

Students 1/2/3: [callous laughter]

Yu: Do you have any painkillers? He tried fighting a bear.

Yosuke: You get one, you think you can get them all!

Naoki: Here you go. But, just so you know…

Naoki: It’s administrated rectally.

Yosuke: Gives “open wide, Yosuke” a whole new meaning, huh Narukami?

Yu: I… okay, Yosuke.

(transition)

Aika: Two bowls of noodles.

Chie: I ordered pizza!

Aika: Then why would you… auhghh…

Yosuke: Guys, you will NEVER guess what just happened!

Kanji: I had to help.

Yukiko: (under her breath) Shhhhit.

Yosuke: Hey, you ordered us noodles, thanks!

Chie: Nope.

Yu: Then why does he get some?

Kanji: Brought it from home.

Yosuke: But why are you hanging out with us?

Kanji: Oh, sorry I wanted to spend time with my FRIENDS. Y’know, sit around the fire, tell ghost stories, fun camp stuff. So, Yukiko, know any good ghost stories?

Yukiko: It’s daytime, Kanji.

Kanji: Oh. (pause) Well, I got one! People kept talkin’ about how Konishi died, and I was freaking out until I SAW him at SCHOOL the next day! Pretty scary, huh?

Yosuke: Kanji, his sister died, not him.

Kanji: That makes some past conversations REALLY awkward.

Kanji: This is boring. I’m going fishing.

(transition)

Kanji: I caught one!

Naoki: Hi.

Yu: That’s Naoki. Kanji, why?

Kanji: Well, when I saw him, he was floundering. Ehhh?

Naoki: This is true, but I am no flounder. I’m an eagle, hovering like an albatross, always on the watch. Caw. Caw. (music)

Naoki: War, war never changes. When you’ve been on the battlefield as long as I have, you learn a few things. Interviewers kept asking me and my family about my sister’s death. Notice the past tense: kept asking me.

Yu: That’s rough, buddy.

Naoki: Yeah, ever since my sister died, life has been one big rubix cube with no one to say, “Hey it’s upside down.”

Saki: (echoed) Hey, it’s upside down…

Naoki: [elongated sighhhhhhhhh]

Yukiko: Is he still talking?

Naoki:  It’s like my father always said, “You never know what you’ve lost until you’ve lost it. Help me find my car keys.”

Yu: Hey, can you throw this away?

Naoki: Yeah, sure.

(transition)

Naoki: It’s been nice hanging out. You know, for the first time since my sister died, I’m experiencing this strange new feeling in my chest.

Yosuke: Is it happiness?

Naoki: Heartburn. Bye.

(cuts to them staring)

Yosuke: Was that fish the butt-medicine guy?

Yu: Yosuke, he was Naoki, and an eagle.

Yosuke: Scribe, we got another suspect.

Yu: You’re dumb.

(transition)

Yukiko: Yosuke, for the last time, it wasn’t Naoki, or Nanako.

Yosuke: (in the distance) But it’s the one you least expect!

Chie: Yosuke, my mailman’s more likely to be the culprit than Nanako!

Yu: We should recap.

Yukiko: Lame.

Yosuke: Kanji!

Kanji: Over here.

Yosuke: What do you remember before you were kidnapped?

Kanji: I remember that that politician, Namatame, moved back to Inaba after the scandal with his wife and became a delivery dude.

Yukiko: I don’t see how that’s relevant.

Chie: Didn’t he have a thing with the first victim?

Yukiko: Holy shit, are we actually blaming the mailman?

Chie: Wait no, I take it back. He’s a GOOD, HONEST mailman!

Yukiko: Wait, guys, if Mrs. Yamano, the first victim was on the TV… and SAKI was interviewed about the body, and then I was on the TV…

Yosuke: We get it. You were on TV. Stop bragging about it!

Chie: No, Yosuke! She means the murderer must watch TV!

Kanji: Hey, guys, what’s goin’ on?

Yu: Let’s split up, gang.

Yosuke: Zoinks!

Yukiko: Jeepers.

Chie: Jinkies!

Kanji: Uh… ruh roh?

Morooka: Ruh roh is right, you meddling kids. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SEARCHING FOR TRASH! NOT PERTINANT CLUES!

(transition)

Yosuke: I don't know if I'm comfortable in the same tent with Kanji. Because he's... you know...

Yu: Yosuke, that's not cool.

Yosuke: Yeah, and neither are freshmen! We gotta kick him out before he lames up the tent!

Kanji: What? I'm not a freshman!

Yosuke: How many years have you been at Yasogami?

Kanji: One, but what does that have to do with anything?

Yu: No, you kind of are a freshman.

Kanji: Would a freshman do THIS? AAAAAHHHH!!!! Hi Chie. Hi Yukiko. AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Yukiko: Where was Kanji headed?

Yu: Eh. (pause) Why are you guys here?

Yukiko: We’re here for some action.

Yosuke: (excited gasp)

Chie: Brought some Street Fighter!

Yosuke: Aw…

Yu: What, does Chie spam or something?

Morooka: Do I hear the sound of kids having FUN? I’m too drunk for this job… Consistently. It’s a problem.

(transition)

Chie: So where’d you go last night?

Kanji: Rolled around in some dirt. Fresh? Not anymore.

Yosuke: If we wanna make it to nationals, we’ve gotta step up our swimming practice!

Chie: What?

Yosuke: Brought enough for everyone!

Yu: Where’d you even hide those?

Yosuke: Been wearin’ ‘em for JUST this occasion! For weeks!

Kanji: No…

(transition)

Kanji: Nice trunks, man!

Yu: Stole ‘em from my uncle.

Chie: I don’t like that these fit like a glove.

Yukiko: Yosuke, you have a really slim figure.

Yosuke: Runs in the family.

Yu: Lookin’ good, Chie, Yukiko.

Chie: Oh, wow, thanks!

Yukiko: Oh, stop it!

Yosuke: Lookin’ good, Chi--

Chie: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO MY FACE?

Yosuke: That you looked… good?

(cut to them flying)

Yu: And that was the day that I knew my life would change forever.

Yosuke: (girly screams)

Kanji: Aw man, the altitude’s gettin’ to me.

Yukiko: Kanji, you’re bleeding and covered in dirt. You NEED to bathe!

Kanji: Hah? No! Nononononono-

(cuts to him flying)

Kanji: NYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA-

Kanji: And that was the day that I knew my life would change forever.

Kanji: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

(splash)

Kanji: Naoki?

Naoki: Sup.

Yu: Do you hear something?

Morooka: (puking sounds) WHAT DOESN’T KILL ME (puking sounds) WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER! (puking sounds) I CAN TAKE ANYTHING YOU THROW AT ME! (puking sounds) I’M A GOOD TEACHER!!! (puking and sobbing) I AM POWERFUL!!! (sobbing)

Yu: (quiet, distressed sounds followed by screaming)

Yosuke: (quiet, distressed sounds followed by screaming)

Kanji: (quiet, distressed sounds followed by screaming)

Yukiko: Gross.

(credits)

Yu: uhh….

Nanako: Big bro!!! How was the trip?

Yu: uhh….