Darker Than Black Abridged (2007) Script

The following is the script for the oneshot episode,Darker Than Black Abridged (2007), unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
2007 (Majora’s Mask sound)

Bai: Now listen up here’s the story about a little guy that lives in a blue world, and all day and all night and everything he sees is blue--

Louie: huffing sounds

Mario sound effects

Louie: Mamamia.

Sato: HUFFFF HUGFFFFFFF That’s a lot of stairs….

Louie: How’d you get here before me?

Sato: I said freeze!

Louie: You’ll never catch me alive!

Sato: Yeah, when pigs fly! You’re cornered!

WHOOSH

Flying cop: I get it!

Misaki: Walked into that one.

Radio: It’s another contractor!

Misaki: Then let’s terminate the contract.

Guy: You gonna pay your ticket for that CG car, or…

Louie: Wait, my ring’s missing. My wife’s gonna kill me. I have the perfect excuse. Hrrrggh—aaah!!!! It’s not coming off.

Mao: Talk about giving the finger.

Louie: A talking cat? What is this? Sailor Moon.

Hei: I’m the comedy police. Your joke’s already dated in 2007.

Louie: Electric Chinese Batman, I knew this day would come! Where’s Scarecrow, huh? Ahh!!!

Hei: For the crimes of shitty references, you’re under arrest.

Louie: It’s an abridged series! As long as we have good editing and a cameo from LittleKuriboh, who needs comedy? Ahh!!

Hei: Where’s your boss? The one writing the script here.

Louie: I’ve never met him in person! He just sends me the lines through Skype!

(cut to Hei midway through talking)

(slap)

Louie: Ahh!!

Mao: Let’s get outta here! Hurry before the opening starts!

Louie: No, you need me alive! Who else can make hilarious, topical references?

Hei: References are… the lowest form of comedy…

Louie: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!

Misaki: Ever since Americans started making abridged series, Japan’s infrastructure economy has been falling apart. We asked the greatest anime directors of our time to help us stop this from happening. They said it might end if we stop exporting anime to the states. Their solution? Build a wall around Japan.

Louie: oooooooooo……

Misaki: We lost another one.

Sato: Why can’t he just see that references aren’t funny? He’s like the Japanese version of the Scary Movie franchise.

Misaki: Sato, that was a reference.

Sato: Sorry, Misaki.

(opening)

Sato: So, um, Officer Brown, the guy who flew away last night, hasn’t come back, so his locker’s open if anyone wants to take anything. First come, first serve. You know how it is around here. I dunno if he has anything good. Haven’t been there yet, but I think he had a Hotwheels collection or something.

Old Guy: So, Todd Haberkorn, do you think we’ll ever see Brown again?

Beard Guy: He owed me 10 bucks.

Todd Haberkorn: (his lines)

Old Guy: He’ll be missed.

Beard Guy: Soon as this meeting’s over, I’m finding that money in his locker.

Sato: Anyway, we caught the killer, but who killed the killer?

Todd Haberkorn: (his lines) “maybe it’s him…”

Girl: According this blank piece of paper, it was BK201.

Beard Guy: Ah…. The Burger King….. I knew I could count on him.

Hei: This is the last time I let Yin draw the map. Take a right at the house with the guy in the window? What’s that supposed to mean?

(black guy nods)

Hei: Oh.

Woman: Whatever you got, we don’t want any!

Hei: I hear there’s a no-questions policy here, so I’d like to rent a room.

Woman: Well you heard wrong because I got a question for you: How much you got?

Hei: All I have is this map.

Woman: Deal.

(littlekuriboh)

Woman: Oh, that abridged stuff. Really tearing this country apart.

Hei: It’s research.

Woman: HEY, YOU! PUT THE BONZAI DOWN AND NOBODY GET HURT!

(he walks away silently)

Woman: So here’s your room! Walls are thin, so everything you do, we’ll hear about it. I could write a book with the stuff I’ve heard. Wanna read my rough draft?

Hei: No thanks, ma’am.

Woman: That’s MISTER ma’am to you!

Hei: Nothin’ funny about this place. Just the way I like it. Oh, and a good view of the watermarks.

Todd Haberkorn: So, Ayane, tell us about yourself. So what are you, like 18? 19?

Ayane: The best part about being an anime character is that nobody really knows! I could be 13 and still look like this!

Sato: (spits out his drink) That’s disgusting.

Ayane: So are you guys single?

Todd Haberkorn: No, no. Think the opposite of that.

Butler: In that case, sir, we’re have to ask you to leave.

Ayane: Call me when you’re single.

Todd Haberkorn: Not a chance.

‘Stacheler: I said leave.

Sato: You can’t make me! I’m commandeering this building!

(Ayane runs out)

Sato: You forgot your tip!!

Ayane: How’d I get here?

Hei: Hey, I’m Hei.

Ayane: Uh, I’m sorry, who are you?

Hei: I’m your neighbor, remember?

Ayane: We skipped that scene. We skip a lot. Why am wearing your coat?

Hei: Her voice… it sounds like a 20-year-old man voicing her for comic effect. Sounds like the work of abridging.

Sato: There she is! Get her!

Sato: There’s no sign of her! Keep running down this straight corridor!

John: Chiaki, they’re onto us. Our comedy routine’s falling apart. We need to release our final weapon.

Ayane: But Louie said to never use it unless… he died…

John: You know too much…

Ayane: (muffled sounds)

Hei: You owe me a new whatever this is. Let’s go.

Ayane: Quick, you have to get out of here! John, he’s about to….

(John does his John thing)

Ayane: Break the fourth wall!!

Falcon punch!!!

John: This is our bridge now, Chiaki. (pause) Now where were we?

(transition)

Ayane: Where am I?

John: So we’re going to take the script, and we’re going to rewrite it but with more references like This is Sparta or chocolate rain.

Ayane: What are you doing?

John: NOTHING!!

Ayane: Don’t have to be a dick about it.

John: Louie was… he was written out of the script.

John: Now we’re in charge—

Hei: Did someone say charge?

(lights go out)

John: After her!

Mao: Nyo!

John: Ah!!

John: I should’ve known… When you work in our line of business, lolcats are at every corner…

Hei: Don’t worry. You’re safe now. There’s only one thing left to do…

(copyright logo)

Igor: God damn not again! Maaaargaret! They deleted another video!