Persona 4 Abridged Episode 6 Script

The following is the script for the sixth episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
Margaret: Igor’s not here right now. He uh left to stock up on alcohol because apparently four bottles aren’t enough. God, I swear he fucking breathes the stuff.

(pause)

Margaret: Oh, you haven’t left yet? Uh… personas social links blah blah whatever, you can leave now.

EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES

Mean student: Did you see the b-ball rangers game last week?

Meaner student: More like b-ball lamers. They haven't won a game all season.

They stare at Kanji and he stares back

Mean student: What the fuck?

(Kanji drops plush)

Yu: Hey is this yours? I’m keeping it.

Nanako: Do you think dad is coming home tonight?

Yu: Nope.

(phone rings)

Dojima: I need to speak to your cousin right now.

Nanako: He has a name, you know.

Dojima: Well if I said if I wanted to speak to “Yu”, you would goddamn sass me!

Nanako: Yeah, probably.

Dojima: Now put him on the phone. It’s very important.

Nanako: Here…

(she runs away into the distance, crying)

Yu: Hello?

Dojima: CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THIS FUCKIN ADACHI? HE COMES IN HERE ACTING LIKE HE FUCKING OWNS THE PLACE! YESTERDAY HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME TO LET HIM OUT OF MY TRUNK! AND WHEN I LET HIM OUT, HE DIDNT EVEN SAY THANK YOU! AND THE CHEESE IN THE FRIDGE HAD MY NAME ON IT FOR A REASON!

Adachi: I thought the NAME of the cheese was Dojima.

Dojima: Shut UP, Adachi.

Yu: That's rough. So about the vacation we have been planning. Can you make it?

Dojima: No.

Chie: Good morning!

Yu: How did you find my house?

(pause)

Chie: You wanna hang out today?

Yu: Not really.

Chie: what about your cousin? Hey, little girl, want to hang out with the cool kids?

Nanako: I don't see any cool kids.

Chie: Don’t fuckin sass me!

Yu: You just got served by a six year old.

Kou: Daaaaaayuuuuuummmm.

Chie: There will be caaaaaaandddddddyyyy.

(next scene)

Nanako: This isn't candy.

Chie: It's cow caaaandddddyyyy. There's candy inside just eat it.

Nanako: I don’t like being here.

Yukiko: I don’t like being here either. You don’t see me complaining about it.

Yosuke: Screw it, I quit.

Yu: I can't believe we're spending our day off at Junes…

Yosuke: I can't believe I'm spending my day off working at Junes.

Junes Employee: Hey, Yosuke! Cleanup on aisle three! It's a big one! (whisper yell) It’s puke!

Yosuke: Go clean it yourself!

Nanako: So what do you guys do for fun around here?

(Yosuke sparkles)

Yukiko: Nothing.

Yu: I cook for fun.

(Yu makes eating sounds)

Chie: Well that’s a pretty cool hobby, big bro!

Nanako: If you’re her big bro, does that mean we’re all related?

Yosuke: Nope.

(pause)

Yosuke: Speaking of family what's your mom do?

Nanako: Rot in the ground.

(Nanako sips)

(Cuts to Dojima)

Nanako: Hey, what’s in the bag?

Dojima: Well I’m glad you asked! Open it up!

Nanako: Wow, it’s a t-shirt!

Dojima: Yeah! And do you know who’s been a good little girl lately?

Nanako: Me???

Dojima: Close! Me! Good guess though, now give it back.

(Cuts to Yu)

(Yu gasps)

Dojima: Oh, you found my swim trunks!

Dojima: Now let's eat! I wonder how I'll be able to eat all this food I bought!

Yosuke: Snoring noises

Chie: (whispers) Why is he sleeping?

Yukiko: I think his manager made him stay the night here.

Yosuke: So what do we know about these murders and kidnappings so far?

Yu: Nothing. We know nothing.

(pause)

Chie: I think the TV did it.

Yosuke: I think you're onto something. Scribe! Write that down!

(pause)

Yukiko: ...So is this what you do?

Yu: Yeah, it's kind of a waste of time.

Chie: Nuh uh!

Yosuke: Yeah, we have like two whole suspects!

Yukiko: A TV and...

Yosuke: A TV aaaaand....

Yukiko: A TV and what?

Yosuke: I dunno. Probably the bear or something.

Yosuke: Write that one down too.

Yosuke: Yukiko. What did you see before you were kidnapped?

Yukiko: Hell if I know. I was asleep when it all happened.

Yosuke: Good. Now if you don't mind, I have exams to study for. (he falls asleep again)

Chie/Yukiko/Yu: ...Shit!

(montage)

Yosuke: So how'd you guys do? Hate to brag, but I got a solid 51%. I mean I totally get why you're all jelly.

(pause)

Yosuke: (whispers) I cheated.

Yu: Good for you.

Yukiko: How'd you do?

Yu: Totally bombed it.

(cuts to Dojima)

Dojima: Just like your old man!!

Yu: You're not my dad.

Dojima: I know, and your dad's a FAILURE.

Kanji (from the TV): I can't see ANYTHING!

Nanako: Can we change the channel?

Dojima: Nah. I like watching this punk get arrested. Some of my best work.

Kanji (in the background): WHAT IS THIS? WHERE AM I?

Nanako: You know him?

Dojima: Oh yeah, me and this high school kid go way back-- of course I fucking don't. (smack noise)

Nanako: Next time, you gon’ lose teeth.

Chie: Did anyone see who was on the midnight channel last night?

Yu: It was Kanji Tatsumi.

Yosuke: Who's that?

Yu: The guy from the news yesterday.

Yukiko: Oh, Kanji? He lives at the textile shop.

Yosuke: So we go in there and rough him up.

Yu: That sounds like a bad plan.

Yosuke: Hey. Can't be kidnapped when you're in chains.

(as they walk in)

Naoto: Oh, and these ones will have the pink bunny patterns, right?

(they walk into the store)

Naoto: Oh, hey... This isn't the... gym....

Naoto: Later, NERDS!

Yosuke: Nerds? Hey, don't talk to old ladies like that!

Kaji's mom: Oh, Yukiko! Long time no see-- your mom ready to pay up yet?

Yukiko: Another time.

Kanji's mom: One of these days Yukiko. One of these days...

Chie: Hey, I know that scarf! It's from that one room!

Yu: There are a lot of rooms.

Chie: No, no. That OOOOONE room!

Yu: ...Still don't get it.

Yosuke: You mean the room with the stuff?

Chie: Yeah!

Yosuke: That's it! Kanji's mom's the murderer!

Kanji's mom: (makes glaring noises)

Yosukes: Of Miss Yamano and Saki!

Kanji's mom: Phew...

Delivery dude: Where do you want this body, Ms. Tatsumi?

Kanji's mom: Uhhh I'll be right there! You kids have to leave.

Naoto: Can I ask you some questions?

Kanji: YOU MEAN LIKE A DATE?

Naoto: ... Just meet me after school.

(shows the kids)

Chie: (whisper) Is he asking that dude out?

Yosuke: Man, that girl is HOT STUFF!

Yu: Yosuke, they’re both boys.

Yosuke: Even the blonde?

(Kanji turns around)

(cuts to school)

(shows Kanji and Naoto walking and then cuts to THE GANG)

Yosuke: Pssst. Chie and I will follow Kanji. You guys keep an eye that Ms. Tatsumi.

Yu: I don't see why you're whispering.

Yosuke: LET'S MOVE!

Yukiko: You think he’ll show up?

Yu: No.

Yukiko: Maybe I should call Chie. See what’s up.

Kanji: So.... (cough cough) You.... you single?

Naoto: (Oh no. He's onto me!)

Kanji: I mean... you are such a fine young man and all.

Naoto: Oh thank goodness!

Kanji: What?

Naoto: I mean uh... yeah! Totally... totally manly... uh... bruh. Let's go... lift some...bitches?

Kanji: I don’t swing that way.

(EVERYBODY WAS KUN-FU FIGHTING! Drawn out cuts of people)

Yosuke: Oh, it looks like they haven’t noticed.

Chie: HELLO????

Yosuke: (whisper yell) Shut up!

Chie: YUKIKO IS THAT YOU?

Kanji: Hey. What'cha doin'?

Chie: I'M GONNA HAVE TO HANG UP. I THINK KANJI'S ONTO US!

(fast chase scene where Yosuke, Chie, and Kanji yell)

Kanji: WHY AM I CHASING YOU?

(cuts to Yukiko and Yu running with Yosuke and Chie)

Kanji: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

Yosuke: I think we lost him!

Yukiko: Chie, what is that?

Chie: I found it in the trash and, before you ask, yes it is delicious.

CREDITS

Shadow Kanji: Hey, pretty momma!

Yu: Hi, Kanji.

Shadow Kanji: HEY HAH HUA!