Persona 4 Abridged Episode 2 Script

The following is the script for the second episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
Igor: Welcome back!

Margaret: Igor. Get… you’re too close to the camera.

Igor: Oh, uh…

Margaret: Your nose is stabbing the camera man.

Camera guy: I’m okay… I have two lungs for a reason. *gasps*

Igor: Oh shit. Here. Take this key and go! Floor it!

LIMO FLOORS IT

EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES

Saki’s mom: Saki, quit hanging around and take out the trash! Saki? OH MY GOD!

Yosuke: You think she’s dead?

Yu: Poke her and find out.

Yosuke: I don’t wanna do it, you do it.

Yu: Okay…

Yosuke: No, don’t actually—

Chie: Jesus Christ it’s too early for this sh—wait where are we? And why is my face wet?

Yosuke: I dunno. Everything’s kind of a blur. All I remember was Yu taking his shirt off. So what was that thing you called a persona?

Yu: I didn’t fuckin’ call it anything.

MOVIE MAKER TRANSITION

Teddie: How’d you guys beat the shadows?

Yosuke: You mean those monsters?

Teddie: No, I mean the shadows.

Yosuke: Yeah, the monsters.

Teddie: I know what I said.

Chie: We’re talking about the same thing.

Teddie: Get the fuck out.

Guy: What the fuck? (to himself quietly)

Yosuke/Chie: We made it!

Yosuke: AH! THE SQUIRREL’S BACK! GET HIM!

Chie: Hiya!

Yosuke: kjflask!

Yukiko: So this guy walks up to me and asks me if I want to see his “sweet ass ride.” Chie, what’s an ass-ride?

Chie: Uh, Yukiko?

Mitsuo: Hey Yukiko? Would you like to… go out to dinner with me?

Yukiko: Um… no?

Mitsuo: DAMN IT! WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME? It must be my hideous hunchback!

Chie: What hunchback?

Mitsuo: Wait. Does that mean… I’m…. I’M FREEEEEEEEEE! –SLIPS- Ow!

Yu: ….Morning.

Yosuke: Man, you really told him off cold! Just like you did last year with me!

Yukiko: I never did that.

Yosuke: Does that mean you wanna go out?

Yukiko: I’d rather burn to death.

Yosuke: Hahaha! What a card! Anyway, I wonder where Saki’s been. She hasn’t texted me in a while. I’ll try calling her.

GOES BACK TO THE BODY

Yu: She’s probably dead.

SIRENS

Yu: S’probably her now.

SCHOOL MEETING

Morooka: LISTEN UP, ASS-BUCKETS! THE PRINCIPAL’S ABOUT TO COME UP HERE AND TELL YOU HOW SAKI KONISHI’S DEAD!

Yu: Called it!

Principal: Now remember to remain calm everybody.

Announcer guy: EVERYONE RUN TO THE DOOR SCREAMING!

SCREAMS

Yosuke: Guys. You know how we saw Saki on the midnight channel?

Chie: Yeah…

Yosuke: I think… There’s a chance Saki may be inside the TV!

Yu: Dude, she’s in the morgue.

Yosuke: Tell me, Chie. I have one important question.

TURNS TO CHIE

Yosuke: Can you hogtie a bear?

AT JUNES

Chie: So why are you tied to the rope?

Yosuke: It’s all very simple! You’ll use me to weigh down the bear. And then you tie us both together!

Yu: You mean like this?

Yosuke: Yeah, like that. Chie, you try!

Chie: I don’t think this’ll work…

Yosuke: It’s foolproof! Let’s goooo!

ROPE BREAKS

Teddie: THEY ALWAYS COME CRAWLING BACK!

Yosuke: WHERE’S SAKI?!

Yu: Wait, where’s the rope?

Yosuke: NO MORE TIME FOR QUESTIONS! QUICK I’LL GRAB HIM!

RIPS HIS HEAD OFF

Yu: Weren’t we just gonna tie him up?

Yosuke: DESPARATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPARATE MEASURES! WE’RE ON THE LAMB NOW! JUST YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD! WE’LL HAVE CHANGE OUR NAMES. MOVE TO MEXICO. HOW FAST CAN YOU GROW A MUSTACHE?

Teddie: Wow, thanks Mister! Maybe I had you two wrong all along. I thought you were the people throwing bodies into my world. How ‘bout you and me go pick up some fine ladies.

Yosuke: Not until you tell me what you’ve done with Saki!

Yu: Sounds fun.

Yosuke: Wha—oh, I see. Tryin’ to get close to the enemy. Good thinkin’.

Teddie: Don’t worry, guys, I do this all the time. I think I saw some chick over at a liquor store.

Yosuke: So that’s what these glasses do? Help you see? I thought they were just to make you look cool.

Yu: What’s with all this fog?

Teddie: Iunno. The AC’s probably busted.

Yu: The what?

Teddie: Yeah, the AC. I mean how else would I be gettin’ mold on my—on second thought, let’s not go there.

Yosuke: Wait, did you say something about a girl? Does she look anything like this?

Teddie: ‘The fuck is that?

Angry shadow 1: JUNES? MORE LIKE… JU-DUMB!

Yu: Wait, who said that?

Angry shadow 2: It’s like a poor man’s Walmart! And Walmart’s a poor man’s Walmart!

Yosuke: Grrr! BARK BARK!

Saki: I DON’T NEED YOU! I DON’T NEED ANYBODY? ESPECIALLY THAT YOSUKE!

Yosuke: Wait… Is that Saki?

Yu: Probably not considering she’s dead.

Saki: I CAN DRUNK WHENVER I STOP! ANYWAY FUCK YOSUKE!

Shadow Yosuke: Hey, Yosuke. How do you make an omelet without any eggs?

THEY TURN AROUND

Shadow Yosuke: YOU BURN THE HOUSE DOWN AND TRY AGAIN! Eh, you had to be there.

Yosuke: Who are you?

Shadow Yosuke: I am you!

Yosuke: How can you be Yu when you look more like me?

Yu: Oh my God!

Shadow Yosuke: You know what they say about encountering your shadow self in an empty liquor store?

Yosuke: Wha…?

Shadow Yosuke: IT ONLY TAKES TWO TO TANGO!

Yu: Was he… trying to be funny…?

Shadow Yosuke: Finally! Someone who appreciates my humor!

Yu: No, I… that was kind of painful.

Shadow Yosuke: Yeah, as painful as an…. Orange.

Yosuke: Oh my—will you shut up?

Shadow Yosuke: What’s wrong? Can’t take a good joke? Of course you can’t! You’re a moron!

Yosuke: I am not a moron! I’m the class clown! You’re nothing like me!

Shadow Yosuke: Ha! More like the class clown of… flame throwers!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

TURNS INTO FROG

Jiraya: The punchline was frogs.

YU SUMMONS IZANAGI AND HE HITS JIRAYA

Yosuke: Why is that frog ninja being so mean to me? What did I even do?

Teddie: Oh shit. We better do somethin’ about that AC! The mold’s growin’ fast!

Yosuke: I’m not a moron! Why would you say that?

Teddie: MOLD MOLD MOLD MOLD MOLD MOLD MOLD MOLD

Yosuke: WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE

Yu: Izanagi!

HE PUNCHES YOSUKE

Yosuke: That hurt!

Yu: Yosuke, if I’ve learned anything in Inaba, it’s that there are bricks smarter than you. And… bear… thing? Explain to me how a broken AC causes an entire dimension to be covered in fog. That’s what I thought.

Jiraya: Why’d the persona cross the road? BECAUSE HE HAD NO FRIENDS!

HE GETS KILLED

Yosuke: You know… maybe I am kinda dumb. But at least I wasn’t a… frog… butt…

Jiraya: Atta boy!

Yu: Your persona looks dumb.

Yosuke: I think we’re forgetting something.

Chie: YOU ASSHOLES BROKE THE ROPE!

Yosuke: Figured it out yet?

Yu: We’ll come back to it later.

NEXT SCENE

Yosuke: You know, I think you and I should keep trying to figure out how Saki died.

Yu: I’m pretty sure the cops are already on the case.

Yosuke: Have you seen the police force here? Trust me. We’re not in safe hands.

Yu: …. Okay, I’m in.

Yosuke: Thanks, Yu.

Yu: Actually, Can you start calling me by my last name? It’ll probably be less confusing that way.

Yosuke: YOU got it!

Yu: Oh my God…

ENDING CREDITS

TV Reporter: So you’re going to be running this inn in the future?

Yukiko: Uh, I guess.

TV Reporter: I’d like to run you if you know what I mean.

Yukiko: What?

TV Reporter: I said you look good in that kimono.

Nanako: On that note. How ‘bout those dishes?

Yu: Take me with you.