Persona 4 Abridged Episode 5 Script

The following is the script for the fifth episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
Igor: Margaret! Have you seen my Tarot cards? I’ve searched everywhere and can’t find them!

Margaret: Igor, we haven’t left this room in weeks. They couldn’t have gone very far.

Igor: Ask the driver!

Margaret: There is no driver.

Igor: I always forget that.

Margaret: Sigh. Try opening your eyes, Igor.

Igor: Okay um… oh! They were right in front of me. This is awkward.

EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES

Chie: Where’s Yukiko?

Yosuke: We dropped her off at the hospital.

Yu: Vet.

Yosuke: Vet.

Chie: Uh…

Yosuke: Hospitals cost money!

Yu: I had a coupon.

Chie: Well at least she’s safe. Is she safe?

Yosuke: Can’t say. It was closed.

Chie: You son of a—

Kou: Bitchin’!

Kou: Daisuke, we’re on the same team stop it.

Daisuke: How am I supposed to know that! I play SOCCER!

Chie: Yo, Kou!

Kou: Think fast!

-sped up+crack noise-

B-Ball Playa playa: Ow!

Kou: What’re you doin’ here?

Chie: THIS GUY wants to join your team!

Kou: Really man?!

Yu: No.

Kou: Welcome to the B-ball rangeeeers! Damn, bro. You lift? Let’s get you into a jump suit.

Yu: aaaaAAAAAAAAAA

Daisuke: I’m Daisuke.

Yu: Hi, Daisuke.

Daisuke: HUE HUE HUE!

[hand-shaking intensifies]

Kou: Sup broskis! Check out his pecs!

B-Ball Playa Playa: Sweet pecs, bruh.

Foreign guy: Stellar, ol’ chap!

Swag Basket: Do you lift?

Hoop dawg: Shoot sum hoops!

Kou: This is our manager!

Ai: I’m Ai.

Yu: I’m Yu.

Ai and Yu: Gasp.

Dojima: I brought food!

Adachi: And me!

Dojima: He followed me. I don’t want him here either.

Adachi: uhhh…

Adachi: Who here wants to talk about classified police documents?!

Nanako: Are you sure you can…

Adachi: Yeah, it's great to hear Yukiko's alright, but we still have our doubts. I mean she says she doesn't remember anything a—

Dojima: Not at the TABLE!

-Dojima knocks Adachi out-

Dojima: Oh shit! Uh... okay... okay... calm down! We rehearsed this. Nanako, you get the bag. Narukami, you know where the shovel is. I'll warm up the car.

Ai: Oh… Yu…

Yu: What were you doing up there?

Ai: I was just uh… on my way to get… some supplies! That’s it! For the school! Heh… heh…

Yu: Oh can I come?

Ai: -Awkward laughter- Suuuure!

SHOPPING MONTAGE

Yu: This school needs some weird supplies.

Ai: Yeah.

Yu: Who gave the order anyways?

-At School-

Morooka: I ordered that mocha 20 minutes ago! AND NOW IT’S COLD! And GIMME those lipstick glasses! You look ridiculous in ‘em!

Yu: Ridiculously fabulous…

AT SCHOOL

Kou: 10/10 throw there, bro!

Yu: -air-knocked-out-of-you-sound-

Hoop Dawg: Yoooo… My ball’s got a hole in it.

Foreign guy: That game-sphere is not air tight, gentlemen. We must endeavor to replace the defunct product post-haste.

Swag Basket: Das on you, dude.

Foreign guy: I will remedy the situation on the morrow! Good day, Swag Basket.

Swag Basket: Yee.

-Ai walks in and leaves-

Hoop Dawg: Aw man, that foreign guy scares all the chicks away.

Swag Basket: swag swag swag swag swag

Yu: Ai, why’d you leave?

Ai: I’m pretty sure the foreign guy’s just from the town over and it pisses me off.

Yu: Then why’d you become the manager?

Ai: Have you seen that Ichijo? Mmm that boy is fiiiiiine.

Yu: Yes he is.

Ai: Can you find out if he likes anyone?

Yu: I’d rather not—

-Ai stares at him-

Yu: So, Ichijo? Do you like anyone?

Kou: What?

Yu: Do you like anyone?

Kou: Okay! I admit it! I was starin'! But I mean we just met. I dunno if things'd work out, y'feel me?

Yu: You're a little too sweaty.

Kou: Besides. I got my eye on someone else right now.

Yu: Is it Ebihara?

Kou: PfffHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA HAHA haaa... Dunno who that is, bro.

Yu: She's in your club...

Kou: Uhhhhhhh-oh yeah! Nah man, it's Chie.

-Yu opens up the thing-

Yu: Hey, he likes Chie.

Kou: ‘She dead?

Student Announcer: Not again! AAAAAAAA--

Ai: Let go of me!

Yu: You can’t climb with those shoes. They’ll get those gross chain marks on ‘em.

Ai: You’re right. He’s not worth it.

Yu: He kinda creeps me out, to be honest.

Ai: Eh, just a bit. Hm. Hey… Why don't we start seeing each other instead?

Yu: I can see you just fine.

Yu: I know a guy who can hook you up with some glasses.

Teddie: They’re BEARY affordable!

Narrator: THE SAME EVENING!

Yosuke: Hey, Narukami!

Chie: Good morning!

Ai: HEY YUUUUUU! Let’s skip school and hang out!

Yu: That goes against my moral fibeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr--

Gossiping Student: Wait... so Yu and Ai are dating?

Annoyed Student: We've been over this. We're just friends.

Ai: Oh, don’t worry. No one’s watching.

Creepy hobo: Don’t mind me kids. Just pretend I’m not here.

Yosuke: Yo, wanna go to Junes and…

Yu: I’ve got…. Plans. (help)

-Yu's phone rings-

Yu: Hello?

Morooka: Turn your phone off in class.

-Morooka hangs up-

-AT JUNES-

Chie: If Narukami keeps hanging out with that Ai Ebihara, he’s gonna miss all of his b-ball rangers practice.

Yosuke: Why’d you sign him up for that anyway?

Chie: It was that or the seal club.

Yosuke: Seals can’t join clubs. Anyway, hey, Chie… Do you notice anything… weird about Ebihara?

Chie: Besides being a SKANKNADO, no nothing at all.

Yosuke: ... I think it goes deeper than that. I suspect that mild-mannered club manager, Ai Ebihara…. Is a succubus from Hell.

Duuuuuuuuuun

Chie: Yeah, no.

Yosuke: I have plan. We’re gonna need a lot of holy water, some stakes and some silver.

Chie: You had me at steaks.

Kou: Who’s up for some dunkiiiiiin’!!! We got a gaaaaaame!

Yosuke: Hey, succubus slaaaaavvvvv-team! Say hello to your NEEWWW HUMAN manager!

Kou: Are you serious? That’s great!

Chie: WHAT?

Yosuke: It’s all part of the plan. You memorized the Bible verses, right?

Kou: Uh, I dunno what you heard, but we’re a non-denominational club, Brosuke.

Ai: Hm…

-Her eyes glow-

Chie: Is she alright?

Yosuke: Do not be daunted! There’s no turning back.

Yu: What the fu—

Kou: Fuck man, this might be my last game.

Yu: How come?

Kou: It’s all about pole dancing now. It’s all the rage in the underground bro circles.

Yu: I… I’ll take your word for it.

Kou: Yeah, but I’m sure gonna miss the B-ball Rangers…

Yu: Mhm…

Yosuke: So why am I in the uniform?

Kou: Dude, you said maybe.

Daisuke: At least you know the rules.

Ai: You stole my manager position, you jerk!

Yosuke: [in the distance] Don’t look into her eyes.

Chie: At least I’m not a SUCCUBUS!

Ai: No, YOU suck!

Yosuke: Atta girl. What a brave soul.

Basket Ball Students: It’s morphin’ time!

-Start the mighty morphin’ montage-

Ai: Can you turn that music down?

Chie: Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.

Ai: …What’re you doing?

Chie: Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Ai: You wanna go?

Chie: For if God spared not the angels that sinned--

-SLAP-

Chie: What the hell-bitch!

-Fighting begins-

-Brother My Brother starts playing-

-More montage-

Yosuke: The lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want. He lies me by green pasture he leads me beside still waters!

Yu: Yosuke, we’re in the middle of a game. What’re you doing?

Yosuke: Psalm 23! I think it’s working.

Yu: Ai, you missed the gam—eh I wasn’t even playing half the time. Whatever.

-After game at ramen place-

Kou: Rad game, Dude-homies!

Yu: Yeah, too bad we lost.

Kou: It's not winning or losing that matters but the feeling of the ball as you…

Yu: You should probably quit while you're ahead on that one.

Kou: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?

Yosuke: Wait… Are you saying that Aika Nakamura works at Aiya’s, the Nakamura family ramen shop?! I thought only the Nakamura family worked here!

Aika: This is why I sit at the other side of the classroom.

Daisuke: I’m sorry we lost your last game, man…

Yu: Whoops. Yeah, sorry ‘bout that.

Kou: Oooh don’t worry about it, dude. The pole I got off Craigslist wouldn’t fit in my house. Looks like I’m back in the team!

-AS THEY’RE A-WALKIN’-

Ai: Hey, uh, Yu?

Yu: Yeah?

Ai: I’m breaking up with you. Your friends are crazy.

Yu: Yeah… [exhale] I know….

Ai: So, Kou, you single?

-ENDING CREDITS-

Yukiko: You’ll never guess where I woke up, guys.

Yosuke: Was it a vet?

Yukiko: How’d you know?

Yosuke: [whisper] Hide the coupons.

Yu: Shit.

-Adachi bumps his head-

Adachi: Ow! Whose car is this?