Persona 4 Abridged Episode 1 Script

The following is the script for the first episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.

Script
RUNNING OVER A GUY

Igor: Welcome to the Velvet room. This place exists between dream and reality. Mind and matter.

Margaret: Just humor him. He'll fall asleep in about a minute.

Igor: Allow me to read your fortune.

Igor: Ah, this one says... wait... is... is that the tower? That's the tower, right?

Margaret: Yeah, it's the tower.

Igor: I think it's... probably the tower. And uh that symbolizes... uh... somethin' about a...

Igor: Let's move onto the moon, shall we? -snore-

EVERY DAY'S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES.

PEACEFUL TRAIN RIDE

Crook: THIS IS A ROBBERY. GET ON THE GROUND AND REACH FOR THE SKY.

Pasenger: I'm not that flexible!

GUN SHOT

NEXT SHOT OF THE TRAIN IS ON FIRE

Yu: Well I'm lost.

Dojima: I hope you haven't been waiting long.

Yu: What happened to 2:30?

Dojima: So this my daughter Nanako. Isn't she precious?

Nanako: Um he--

Dojima: I never said you could talk.

SHE HITS HIM.

Dojima: FUCKING

HE HITS HER BACK

SPEEDS OFF

Yu: Aren't you going a little fast?

Dojima: Oh thanks pussy police. I'll write myself a ticket right away.

Yu: You just ran the light.

Dojima: We're low on gas.

Not Izanami: Wow. You pulled in fast.

DOJIMA STARES

Not Izanami: Hey, what's your name?

Yu: I'm Yu.

Not Izanami: That's not funny, kid.

Yu: Well what's your name?

Not Izanami: We have a strict no-name policy here.

Yu: Uh.

Not Izanami (whispers): I don't wash this hand.

Yu: (sick noise)

Nanako: Are you alright?

Yu: Yeah, I'm okay. Where'd that guy run off to?

Dojima: Guy? You've been talking to yourself for a while.

Nanako: Wait, where are we going?

Dojima: It's okay, I'm a cop.

KNOCK ON A DOOR

Resident: Hello?

Dojima: We're comandeering this house. Get out.

Resident: Where are we supposed to--

Dojima: Not my problem.

Dojima: Aw there's no fuckin' beer in the fridge? They were probably Jehoova's Wtinesses or somethin'.

SHITTY RINGTONE

Dojima: Yeah? Yeah, they only have cough syrup. Fuckin' weak, am I right? Well I'm gonna to the corner store with Adachi. I'll be back tomorrow.

Yu: So your dad's a detective, right?

Nanako: I hope so.

Yu: What have I gotten myself int-- -snore-

Izanagi: Sup?

Yu: Am I dreaming?

Izanagi: Probably.

Yu: Can I go back to bed.

Izanagi: I dunno, can you?

Yosuke: HEY NEW KID, CHECK THIS OUT.

HE CRASHES

Yosuke: OH NO THE SQUIRREL'S GOT ME!

Morooka: ALRIGHT SHIT-STAINS. WE GOT A NEW STUDENT.

YU WRITES HIS NAME IN JAPANESE

Morooka: What the fuck is that? Just fuckin' sit down.

Chie: Teacher, I think Yosuke's dead.

Yosuke: uuuuuuuuuu

Morooka: GOOD. THE NEW KID CAN TAKE HIS SEAT.

Chie: By the way, I'm Chie.

Morooka: QUIT EYE-FUCKIN' EACHOTHER. THIS IS A PUBLIC INSTITUTION.

Saki: Last time I checked there was a school somewhere around here.

Dead body: AAAAAAAAAA

Saki: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ding dong ding dong

School announcer: THERE'S A FUCKING DEAD BODY OUTSIDE EVERYBODY PANIC! AAAAAAAAA

FIRE ALARM GOES OFF SHATTERING WINDOW

Chie: So wanna walk home together?

Yu: Shouldn't we uh...

Chie: Happens all the time. This is Yukiko.

Yukiko: Um, hi.

Yosuke: WOW GREAT MOVIE. REALLY LOVED THE SCENE WITH THE GUY. YOU KNOW THE ONE. GOTTA GO BYE.

Chie: Wait, Yosuke. What the heck is this?!

Yosuke: My DVD player ate the movie so I gave you a new one instead.

Chie: And what makes you think I wanna watch Space Chimps?

Yosuke: It made me think of you.

Dojima: Wait, I got an idea. Hey, Adachi! Come 'ere!

Adachi: What is i-- puking noises

Dojima: Never gets old. Wait, what are y-- GET OFF THE ROOF! THIS IS A CRIME SCENE!

Officer: Hang on, we're just gettin' our frisbee.NEXT DAY

Yosuke: mumbled noises

Yosuke: NO PUT ME BACK IN, I ALMOST GOT IT.

Yu: Um...

Yosuke: So since you're the new guy and all, I thought I'd offer you up some delcious grub!

NEXT SCENE

Yosuke: Man, you'll never guess where I found these! Wait when did you get here?

Chie: I've always been here.

Yu: Wait, found?

TV Announcer: TODAY WE FOUND A FUCKING DEAD BODY AAAAAAAA

AWKWARD SILENCE

Chie: So anyway, did you hear about the midnight channel?

Yu: No, I've only been here for two days.

Chie: They say if you look at the TV at midnight, you'll see your soulmate!

Yu: Wait, who actually bothered to stare at a TV long enough around midnight to find out?

Yosuke: I think you're overestimating how much there is to do around here.

Chie: So anyway wanna check it out?

Yu: Nah, that sounds kinda lame.

Yosuke: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Saki: Hey you!

Yu: HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?

Saki: Uh, whose the new kid?

Yosuke: He's Yu.

Saki: No he's not. Well see ya.

Anchor man: So what was seeing a dead body like? How did it feel against your soft skin? Has the thought of being the next victim ever crossed your mind?

Saki: Uh, what?

Anchor man: I said were you scared?

Saki: Uh...

News lady: And now back to our regular scheduled Junes commercials.

Junes commercial: RED BULL MAY GIVE YOU WINGS BUT JUNES HAS TVS!

Nanako: Every day's great at your Junes!

Yu: Nanako, why is he in a straight jacket?

Nanako: Time for bed!

Yu: No but seriousl-- oh whatever.

Yu: Oh my God why am I actually doing this?

TV ACTUALLY TURNS ON

Yu: Okay seriously WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Dojima: I don't know but keep in quiet up there! And get me out of this straight jacket!

NEXT SCENE

Yosuke: Dude! Saki's my soulmate! I saw her on the Midnight Channel!

Chie: Apparently she's my soulmate too.

Yukiko: Yeah, me too.

Yosuke: Think the TV's tryin' to tell you something?

Chie: Shut up.

Yosuke: No no! I can get into that!

Chie: Oh my God...

Yosuke: So what about you?

Yu: The TV tried to kill me.

Chie: Wait are you... afraid of TVs?

Yu: No, no. My TV actually tried to eat my hand.

Yosuke: Don't worry, Narukame. We'll try to face your fears together! Lets go to Junes!

AT JUNES

Yosuke: Come on! Just look at it, it's harmless.

Yu: Guys, you don't understand.

Yosuke: I understand completely. Don't worry it's more afraid of you than you are of it.

Chie: Wait, where's Yukiko?

YU PUTS HIS HAND IN

Yosuke: OH MY GOD THE TV'S TRYING TO EAT HIM!

Mall cops: Hey, what's all that noise?

Chie: Quick, let's cheese it!

Mall security: Wut?

Chie and Yosuke: AAAAAAAAAAA

Chie: Ow!

Yosuke: Ow!

Yu: ow.

Chie: AH THE COP FOLLOWED US IN! RUN!

Chie/Yosuke/Yu: AAAAAAAA

Chie: I think we lost him.

Yu: Oh my God! We're in the TV!

Chie: Brilliant deduct-- Yosuke, what are you doing?

Yosuke: I'm trying to pee, but I can't concentrate with Yu standing there! Chie, you can stay.

Chie: Oh my fucking... AAAAAAA

Teddie: AAAAAAAA WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Yosuke: Chie, what's wrong?

Chie: Wait, you can talk?!

Teddie: Of course I can talk. I'm a bear!

Yosuke: Oh that makes-- what?

Teddie: NO TIME. THEY'RE COMING! SDJFASDKFJMASDKFLMSADLFKMSDLKS HERE TAKE THIS AAAAAAAAA

Yosuke: Why didn't I get a pair?

Chie: Is that seriously the only thing disturbing you about this situation?

Shadow (whispering): You feel beautiful.

Chie: AAAAAAAA

Yosuke/Chie/Yu: More screaming

SHADOW LICKS CHIE

Yosuke: How did that seriously knock her out?

Yu: How are you not phased by this?

Izanagi: Wanna see a cool trick? Pick a card.

Yu: There's only one.

Izanagi: Makes your decision easy, doesn't it?

YU BREAKS THE CARD

Yu: Ow......

ALL OF THE SHADOWS DIE. WILHELM SCREAM

Izanagi: Well see ya.

Yosuke: Why are you taking your shirt off?

YU SMILES AND IT ENDS